Ian Banyard's Confidence Clinic

Pearls of Wisdom

2011-10-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd post an example of the sort of questions I get asked as a coach to give you an insight into how I help people to start using their brain for a change.

Bob's Question:
Hi Ian, Iwas at your recent event and found you entertaining, refreshing andconfirming a lot of thoughts, beliefs and texts I have come across. Two questions I would like to ask that didn'tcome to me at the time are...

1. How do you beatyour own brain? For example, I have tried to make changes tomy thoughts, feelings and behaviours, but I find myself battling with my own brain to keep going,.

2. Do you have 'bad'days? i.e. days when you lose your temper, lose control of that nicely balancedbrain of yours, or just feel real low because things have been battling against you somuch?

My Response:

Hi Bob, Thanks for the feedback I'm glad you enjoyed the talk. I'll do my best to help with your interesting questions and perhaps start with your second question first:

Do I have 'bad' days? Absolutely! I thinkeveryone does. I heard a speaker refer to how an oyster creates a pearl from apiece of grit and how life is similar. I have had gritty days in my life whereI have 'lost' my temper and 'lost' control, but these moments don't happen somuch now since I realised that the fear of 'losing' something comes fromunder-utilising what I call my 'hunter brain' and over-utilising what I referto as my 'gatherer brain'. Balancing the emotional brain gives us bettermastery of emotional situations. I changed my fear of losing into a passion forfinding, by realising that the opposite of losing can be winning and finding. Inthe past I lost my temper and lost control because I was trying to win or beatsomeone else and control them.

I found that the more I tried to control othersthe more I lost control of myself.

Now for your first question which by now, you may havealready begun to see a solution to?

How do you beat your own brain? Well it's simple really, Stop battling with it!!

Look back at your message to me Bob and notice how thewords you've chosen to use are associated with 'winning' and 'losing' -'beating my brain', 'battling against', 'losing my temper', 'losing control'.Remember what I said about an under-utilised 'Hunter Brain' in my talk. People who fightare fighting because they fear losing. They mistakenly believe that theopposite of fighting is running away (fight or flee). In truth there is a thirdoption. The opposite of fighting is 'not fighting' and the opposite of fleeingis 'not fleeing'. Our natural state is calm not fear. When we are calm we arenot fighting and not fleeing we are 'flowing'. When our emotional brain is balanced we caneasily access our intellectual brain and remember how to solve challenges, or create new solutions if necessary. The brain is amazing when it is in a natural state of balance.

However, as you discovered on the evening of my talk, our intellectual brain'Expert'/'Performer' is often out of balance too. So once you've mastered your emotions it's time to master your intellect and then the real work begins.

Have hope, remember the oyster I referred to earlier, the pearlwouldn't exist without a bit of grit, it is a natural process. Good luckturning your 'grit' into a 'pearl' Bob and le me know what you discover.

Don't Let The SHOMs Rule Your Life.

2011-07-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

Turn your SHOMs into WOWs!
You know what the SHOMs are don't you....?
All those

Should do's...
Have to's...
Ought to's... and
Must do's...

When you live life by the SHOMs you get stressed, miserable, infect everyone around you and age prematurely. This is because SHOMs are rule statements that others use to MAKE us do things. A SHOM is always followed up with an implied 'OR ELSE', that's how you know it's a rule.
I prefer PRINCIPLES to RULES because they allow us to use flexibility and adapt based on circumstances. Rules on the other hand can only be obeyed or broken, and that's what makes them stressful.
Living your life according to the rules of others was probably quite wise when you were young and immature, however, continuing to live your life by other people's rules when you are grown up is daft. You are capable of making your own choices, and taking personal responsibility for the consequences now.

My tip for those of you who haven't already done so, is to start right now, turning your SHOMs into WOWs

WOWs are

Want to's...
Opportunities... and
Wonderfuls

Happiness in life is often just about changing our perspective.

Instead of thinking: I have to get up and go to work or else I will upset my boss and lose my job (a SHOM),
Choose to think: I want to get up because today is a brand new opportunity to prove to myself what I can do even in situations that I find challenging, how wonderful!'

Have a go today and let me know how you get on.

How to be Happy at 50! - Tip No. 2: Choose your attitude!

2011-07-01T02:36:00.000-07:00

Each morning when you wake up you have two choices.

You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.

I choose to be in a good mood.

Each time something bad happens, you can choose to be a victim or you can choose to learn from it.

I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to you complaining, you can choose to resent their complaining or you can choose to help them look for a positive solution.

I choose to help them.

Life is all about choices. Every situation is a choice.

I choose how I respond (not react) to situations.

I choose how people affect my mood, it's my mood not theirs!

I choose to be in a good mood or a bad mood.

The bottom line: It's my choice how I live my life.

My Challenge to YOU:

Over the next few days become more aware of the choices you have in your life by noticing when you REACT to a situation rather than RESPOND.

I’m not sure what the differences in the origins of these 2 words are, but I do know that when I had some throat surgery a few years ago it was better that my body RESPONDED to the treatment rather than REACTED to it!

RE-ACTING sounds to me like doing the same thing over again and life has taught me that when something isn’t working, it's time to do something different.

Do you remember the saying: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.’ Perhaps this saying is responsible for so many of the older generation allowing themselves to RE-ACT to life.

I prefer the saying: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, have a really good think about the consequences of continuing trying to do it that way. Then having done that, consider the consequences of doing it another way. Finally, choose whichever brings you, and those you care about, the most happiness’

It's your choice, so CHOOSE WISELY.

How to live a great life!

2011-06-21T03:22:00.000-07:00

On the 17th of July 2011 I will have been alive for 50 years, that's amazing! It's not actually true as it doesn't take into account my 9 months development from conception to birth. As I seem to have missed the momentous occasion in November 2010, I'll stick to my official birthday for the purposes of this blog. It is amazing to realise I have 50 years experience of being me. I am officially the most experienced person on the planet at knowing all about and understanding everything associated with how I function as a human being.

I have more knowledge and experience of my brain than any neuroscientist;
I have more understanding and information about my mind than any psychologist,
I have more familiarity and awareness of what my body can do and needs than any doctor
I have more insight into my spiritual nature than any priest or religous leader.

How cool is that!

As well as being 50 in July I also have a fantastic life! I married a wonderful woman, I have 3 brilliant children, I live in the countryside in a beautiful cottage surrounded by nature, travel the world for work and pleasure. I love my work and have found the balance that enables me to earn a decent living, be financially secure, be happy, be healthy, be free to explore life, be me.

Life hasn't always been great, there are good days and there are challenging days in everyone's life. I don't believe some people are born lucky, I believe we make our own luck based on the choices we make in response to life. Life has taught me that valuing the good days and choosing to learn something new from the challenging days, leads to more good days and less challenges. I think the key to a successful life is in valuing what is important to us and learning from difficulty.

As a thank you to all the people who have joined my facebook pages 'The Confidence Clinic', 'Brain Mapping Online', 'Pathfinders TV', Britain's Next Top Coach' and others, I'm going to post some tips (I don't like secrets) on how to live a successful life based on my experience. I'll post them over the weeks and days leading up to my birthday on this blog. Feel free to comment and share the link with your online friends and colleagues.

Are You Making the Most of Your Brain?

2011-04-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

The most successful people in life are not necessarily the richest or the highest qualified.

The “richest” people are most often those who have developed the WINNER’S BRAIN. Those who are determined to do things; they are competitive, single-minded, focussed and not concerned about upsetting or hurting others in their pursuit of success.

The “highest qualified” are usually those who have developed the EXPERT’S BRAIN. Those who follow instructions to the letter, analyse, learn, always complete what they start and can become obsessive about getting things perfect.

Then there are those who develop the PERFORMER’S BRAIN. Those who often see opportunities before others, risk-taking free spirits who can appear overly optimistic, sociable and creative.

And finally, there are those who develop the RESCUER’S BRAIN. Those who value social harmony, protection of the weak,. They are peace-makers and team workers, who can at times forsake their own needs for the needs of others.

The most successful people in life are the people who have developed the neurological flexibility to be all and any of the above as and when necessary to achieve their goals.

So how are YOU using your brain?

Are you a WINNER, EXPERT, PERFORMER, or RESCUER?

Which are your strengths? Which are your weaknesses? Are you able to flex your neurological muscles and be any of the above to achieve your goals, or are you in need of some brain development?

Visit my Brain Mapping Online webpage get a FREE Brain Map and find out.

Your Recipe For A Successful Life

2009-12-27T06:33:00.000-08:00

Take twelve whole months, clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate, and jealousy, making them just as fresh and clean as possible.

Now cut each month into twenty-eight, thirty, or thirty-one different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.

Mix well into each day one part of faith, one part of patience, one part of courage, and one part of purpose. Add to each day one part of hope, faithfulness, generosity, and kindness.

Blend with one part prayer, one part contemplation, one good deed, then season the whole with a dash of good spirits, a sprinkle of fun, a pinch of play and a cupful of good humour.

Pour all of this into a vessel of love, cook thoroughly over radiant joy, garnish with a smile and serve with quietness, unselfishness,

and cheerfulness.

Follow this recipe precisely and you're bound to produce a successful life!

ENJOY

The Ages of Women

2009-12-20T09:59:00.000-08:00

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly- but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees clean and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees I am and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Pass this on to all the great women in your life ;)

Fearless Decision Making

2009-12-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

What stops you making important decisions in life?
What makes you hesitate?

Is it Fear of Loss?

Losing your job? Losing your credibility? Losing face?

Maybe you Fear Rejection?
Being seen as the "bad guy" or no longer Miss Popular, being shunned, excluded or ignored?

Perhaps you Fear being Wrong?

Saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, having insufficient information to make the RIGHT decision and guarantee your success?

Or is it a Fear of Commitment?
Hesitation brought about by a niggling doubt, or gut-instinct that once the decision is made there will be no turning back, no get-out clause, little or no freedom to choose another course of action?

The most common fears people bring to the Confidence Clinic are obvious physical fears - Spiders, heights, flying, enclosed spaces (phobias) fears that represent real, or perceived physical danger to them and they are quite easily sorted with only a few sessions. However fears associated with LOSS, REJECTION, BEING WRONG and COMMITMENT are SOCIAL FEARS and often they lie hidden in our subconscious, only materialising when important decisions need to be made.

So which of these fears are stopping you make important decisions?

Magical Moments

2008-06-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

One of my most memorable ‘magical moments’ of 2007 happened last springtime.

From November to May each year I rent a converted stable block in a very small village on the edge of the Cotswold escarpment. The village comprises of 1 ancient Saxon church (St Faith’s), a couple of cottages a herb garden and my stable block. I am also surrounded by countryside and right next to an ancient footpath leading down into the valley to the ruins of an ancient monastery that was once a significant site of medieval pilgrimage. I love living here each year and use this time to reflect and re-energise myself.
My magic moment happened when my daughters came to visit one weekend last springtime to help with the lambing. This year was our first experience of lambing and I and they were captivated and amazed by the miracle of new life. The girls became experts at spotting new arrivals, resuscitating lambs that’d had difficult births, capturing runaways, feeding and watering exhausted mothers and herding new families from the birthing barns to the paddocks. But the most enjoyable by far was looking after the orphans. It wasn’t long before each orphan had been named by my daughters, there was Panda, Spotsie, Tadpole & Newt and many others, but there was one in particular that made that springtime a magical moment for me and he was named Bambi. Bambi’s mother had unfortunately died giving birth to him and he was weak. He couldn’t stand and seemed destined to a short life lying in the corner of the barn being hand reared.

My eldest daughters took turns to bottle feed Bambi and he soon became the favourite of my eldest daughter Sophie who would sit with him for hours. One afternoon I was sitting in the garden watching Molly my youngest, skipping around the meadow being followed by Panda, Spotsie, Tadpole & Newt I heard Sophie urgently call me from the barn. I ran as quickly as I could fearful that she had fallen or hurt herself in some way. When I arrived Sophie was standing there with a huge smile of satisfaction on her face and tears running down her cheeks. ‘Look’ she said, and as she began to walk around the barn, little Bambi struggled to his very wobbly legs, bleated and stumbled after her. Sophie, unknown to any of us had been patiently teaching Bambi how to stand and eventually walk. It had taken hours of patience, determination and love for this little creature and she had succeeded. It was only a few days later that I found myself sitting in my garden watching my beautiful daughters running around the meadow with bottles of milk being pursued by very energetic newborns and a still very small, but equally energetic Bambi stumbling along behind. A very magical moment indeed!

Develop Your Spark!

2008-06-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

My friend recently slapped me on the wrist for saying that I only want to date gorgeous women. Apparently someone like me should be less fickle and know that real beauty was on the inside. I’ve been hearing this all my life from women who don’t think they are gorgeous and I don’t buy it.

I remember when my kids were born and I’ll be honest, they looked to me like over-baked potatoes. In fact, all newborns look like potatoes the only people who don’t see it are those photographers who stalk the maternity wards trying to make a financial killing selling over-priced pictures of little over-baked potatoes and the little over-baked potatoes sleep-deprived, drugged-up mummies. It’s true!!

However, I also remember when I looked at my children’s faces for the first time and they truly were gorgeous. It was at the same moment they recognised my great big face looking back at them and felt the love and adoration I felt for them. I like to think of that moment as the first time two beautiful souls catch a glimpse of each other and reflect back the truth of what each sees. So not so much love at first sight, but love from seeing our own inner gorgeousness reflected back at us through the eyes of another.

So guys, if that gorgeous face you once looked at now reminds you of a bulldog chewing a wasp! The truth is your seeing a reflection of your own mug; she’s just protecting her inner beauty.

And girls, if I had a pound for every time a female friend of mine says ‘I hate having my photo taken’ I could buy that Ferrari I fell in love with in Abu Dhabi! If you want to look gorgeous in a photograph, stop focussing on the jerk holding the camera and how uncomfortable it feels, instead release the beauty and gorgeousness that is inside you. And if all else fails think naughty nice thoughts and imagine the photographer is a semi naked Brad Pitt.

Have a great day and go release your spark!

Ian J

My Story

2008-06-01T05:11:00.000-07:00

All great inspirational teachers and speakers have a story. It begins with something like “10 years ago I sat down and re-evaluated my life, created a vision of what my ideal life could be and amazingly my life changed”. I’ve never had a story until…

…10 years ago...
I was living what many would call a successful life. I had a large detached home, I was married to a pretty and loving wife with 3 wonderful children. I owned two cars, we had two incomes, as a family we regularly holidayed abroad. I was successful at school, achieved a degree, I secured a good job with great prospects and a career path. By 1994 I had successfully climbed the corporate ladder. To the outside world I had made it. I was a success. Having grown up in relative poverty, I had created a wealthy and secure home for my children that as a child I could only dreamed of.

I was a success, so why didn't I feel like one?

Despite my success, inside I was frustrated. I felt I was living someone else’s life, I was going through the motions of being a loving husband, dutiful son, responsible son in law, positive parent, loyal friend, ambitious, committed employee, friendly neighbor and 'good' person. For some reason I wasn’t connected to my life emotionally. I felt detached, like an observer, living my life on automatic pilot. It began to dawn on me that the life I was living was the direct result of the thoughts I had been thinking since my childhood. Wanting to escape my childhood life of poverty, the way I had been thinking had created, a stereotypical ideal of the ‘perfect life’ – the only problem was that this life was everyone else's expectation of me and didn't take into account my desires and my dreams. I had fallen into the habit of trying to please everyone else and forgetting about what I wanted. No wonder I felt so empty.

It was time to change...

I realized I had a choice. I could continue living someone else's life or I could start to live my own. Did I want a life by accident or a life by design? I began to study personal development books, listen to tapes and attended seminars. I learned that all successful people visualized their goals and aspirations and listed them down and somehow got what they wanted. I visualized myself self-employed running my own Personal Development business, I visualized earning twice as much money doing half as much work, owning a red sports car and working on TV. I visualized my family happy and healthy standing outside a big dream house waving to me. I envisaged swapping my stressful life in the office with a bottomless in-tray and rush hour journeys to and from, for open roads and a workspace surrounded by lakes, mountains, forests and beautiful peaceful landscapes. I wrote these goals down in a book and then over the next 10 years as a direct result of all this positive thinking and wish list, my ‘merry-go-round’ life turned into a rollercoaster ride. At times exhilarating and exciting and at others, it felt like riding Universal Studios ‘Tower of Terror’.

Everything I wrote down and thought about materialised...

Some were wonderful but some were not so great. Just a word of advice, when you visualize your happy healthy family and see them standing, smiling outside your big dream house, MAKE SURE YOU ARE IN THE PICTURE TOO!!

24 months ago...

I was living in the beautiful English Lake District running a work-life balance company surrounded by lakes, mountains, forests and beautiful landscapes. I could earn twice as much money doing half as much work - just not very often. I was again living the life I had previously visualized. But I felt isolated. I was under achieving and needed a new challenge. I was also feeling frustrated at the lack of British summertime and the abundance of rain and desired warmer climes. A friend sent me a clip of a motivational speaker with a great story. He’d worked in Saudi Arabia after deciding that he wanted to work abroad and had written a visualization list. He so inspired me that I decided to focus my attention East. Unknown to me at the same time in Abu Dhabi a frustrated training company owner was focusing her attention West.

Out of the blue...

January 2006 out of the blue I received an email from Abu Dhabi asking if I was interested in delivering training to UAE nationals. I googled Abu Dhabi images and the Sheraton beach club resort caught my eye. It was such a stunning picture of the hotel under a cloudless blue sky with a palm tree-lined, golden sandy beach fronting a beautiful deep blue lagoon, I felt compelled to put it on my screen saver. I responded to the email but heard nothing. I had almost given up on the idea when an email offering a meeting in London arrived. Although it was a long journey, short notice and I still had some doubts, I decided to go. We hit it off straight away and I discovered they used the Sheraton Hotel.

The Universe delivers…

A month later I flew out to Abu Dhabi, I was met at the airport and driven to the Sheraton Hotel. Within 24 hours of arriving I was sitting on the beach under the very same palm trees at the hotel on my screensaver.

Tingles up my spine...

There’s more, the sea looked gorgeous so I decided to go for a swim. The resorts lagoon was like stepping into a warm bath and the salt content in the water made swimming effortless. I lay on my back and floated on the surface looking up at the blue cloudless sky. Behind me was a diving platform so I swam over and climbed onto it and looked back at the hotel. At that moment the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I was looking through my own eyes at my screen saver picture. I was actually standing in the exact same place the photographer had stood when the screensaver picture was taken. A picture I found randomly searching the internet for information about a thought I had 6 months earlier. I had my ‘story’.